Breaking to see a blessing

Sometimes something drastic happens in your life, and everything you thought you were keeping together comes crashing down. These past few days have been really hard for my family, you can read some of it here. We just keep getting more and more bad news. Everyone is leaning on my mom, and she needed someone to talk to. I listened, I told her I loved her, I hung up the phone and then I broke-down.

Part of why I broke-down was because I realized how much strength my mom has, and how amazing she is. Mostly why I broke down was it hit me again how hard life can be. I have been finally feeling like I am making friends which is wonderful but it’s hard to have the relationship with someone where you can pour your heart out. I poured my heart out to my husband and I just sobbed in his arms, I am so lucky to have him and I love him so much, but even he said he couldn’t understand some of the feelings I had. He flat out told me he was sorry he couldn’t do more, but he did more than he knew. He contacted his sister and told her I needed to talk. She sent me a few funny snapchats and then we kind of discussed some of the issues. She is such a wonderful person and I am so lucky to have both her and my husband in my life. Just the few little snippets of conversation we had over Snapchat made me feel better. Her understanding and compassion and ability to just absorb and listen was what I needed. I felt better. Better enough to stop sobbing. Better enough to begin to pull myself together.

I am still struggling. I am still feeling overwhelmed but I am feeling better. I had a few other friends reach out to me yesterday. These were friends that didn’t hardly know all of what was going on but just wanted to check in on me. I appreciated that so much. Even though these friends weren’t there to drink a glass of wine with me and cry with me, knowing that they wanted to be was a comfort. Sometimes I feel like moving around a lot has been a detriment to Darren and I. We don’t always feel like we have a support structure. However days like today happen and I had people from Iowa, Tennessee, Colorado, Illinois, North Carolina, and even Germany reach out to me. While I sometimes can feel so alone, I have these moments where I realize how lucky I am to have people who care all over the world. I honestly never feel like I do enough for my friends. I never feel like I am good enough and I don’t want to burden them with my trials. Yesterday though they all made sure I knew that they were doing this because they cared and that because I would do the same for them. I cried again, but this time it was happier tears. I guess sometimes you have to break in order to see your blessings.

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